The death ceremony began as a crude ritual, back in the days of witchcraft. In recent years it has been developed into a science. It usually takes from 10 to 15 years to come full circle, however modern scientific advancements are shortening this period of time.

It all begins with a single simple aspirin for a simple headache. When the one aspirin will no longer cover up the headache, take two. After a few months, when two aspirin will no longer cover the headache – you take one of the stronger compounds. By this time it becomes necessary to take something for the ulcers that have been caused by the aspirin. Now that you are taking two medicines, you have a good start. After a few months these medications will disrupt your liver function. If a good infection develops, you can take some penicillin. Of course the penicillin will damage your red blood corpuscles and spleen so that you develop anemia.

Another medication must then be taken to cover up the anemia – by which time all of these medications will put such a strain on your kidneys that they should break down. Now it’s time to take some antibiotics. When these destroy your natural resistance to disease, you can then expect a general flair-up of all your symptoms, which will then require you to cover up all of these symptoms with sulfa drugs. But that is o.k. because when your kidneys finally plug up – you can have them drained. All this goes, while poisons build up in your system. And that’s o.k. because you can keep going on this way for quite some time.

By this time the medications will be so confused that they won’t know which way to turn or what they are supposed to be doing. But it really doesn’t matter – for if you have followed every step of your “recovery” as you have been directed to do – you can now make an appointment with your undertaker. Of course if it is too late – your heirs can make the appointment for you!

Well, this is how the game is played folks – by practically all Americans – except for those “ignorant” few souls who choose to follow nature.

We wish to thank the Cancer Control Society for providing the original manuscript from which this satirically altered version has been taken. (Ed.)

Published on DrKelley.info, March 3, 2003. Embedded links may no longer be active (Ed. 12.30.10)

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